Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Low point.

I have finally stolen some time to jot down how I feel about these past couple of weeks.  I am now in California helping out with the busy season. The store here in Cali is doing well and we  live in a beach front apartment, but only one thing ruined this week for me; my brother. He has been treating me like shit these past couple of days to satisfy his "shortman's syndrome" urge to be f#@king insecure about everything I do.

He successfully transformed my heart and existence to dog shit. I have no pride and no confidence. Everything I do seems to be wrong. Though even without my brother, I think I would still feel shitty. I think I have been "out" in denver too long that this "straight" acting week for me has been really hard. Usually, I also look "straight" when I'm "out." but I think there's still a big difference. Out of the scene, gay friends, fag hags, the alcohol, the cruising the dancing; I miss all of those. 

But wait there's more bitching..... 

I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago before going to cali. In fact he's the reason why I was so insistent to leave Denver. My "X" stole half of my store's money in Denver. How can I be so stupid!? He and a couple of my so called "friends" were at it since the beginning. Steal from the rich stupid Asian. It's not really about the money, it is more of the betrayal. Let's not go into details cause every detail I remember is like a knife stabbing my face over and over again. To add to the fuckness of it all, the rental company finally caught up with the encounter I had with the light rail in Denver they are charging me $2,000 worth of damages, not to mention they sent the damage report to my parents.

In conclusion, I want to kill myself for being so stupid. In fact I did try to kill myself but it added more insult to injury by failing. Pills wont work. Now I know. I am at the lowest point of my life. Couldn't  be lower. If it wasn't for me faking sick and staying home alone and not going to SF for 2 days with my brother, I probably could have snapped and gone mad. 

I just want to vent and be alone and away from everything for now.. regain my existence. 

1 comment:

  1. Being gay is much more than those things you list, you know? Ok, I'm glad you realize that. :)

    And no, pills have a very low success rate. And they have a high chance of fucking your mind up permanently. Please don't do that man. We're here for you each as much as he is able.