Saturday, April 16, 2011

Singledom Boredom

Lately I have noticed that life has been pretty boring for me if not sad. For days I have been trying to figure out the main reason why I'm bored. least I know is that I have been feeling this way since I got here in Cali. I thought I was just been missing my friends back home or the scene in Denver until last night when my friend told me  that "I'm glad you're still enjoying your life being single." that is before she told me she's getting married. Bunch of dikes.

I have never been in a long term relationship since second year college, and I have been seeing all of my friends recently moving on having committed relationship of their own while I'm slowly being left behind stuck being the selfish club boy that I am. Before you start saying something, this is not a pity plea, so please let's not start a pity party cause that's the last thing I need right now. I would rather hear what my friend told me about enjoying my single life though I know she meant the opposite but at least she doesn't rub it in. I hate it when couples say the most stupid things to single people like they haven't been single themselves before. "you need someone jack. Well look at us. Don't we look happy?" For straights, yes. For gay couples, I don't know, gay couples won't have the same happiness heteros have because gay people don't have the same civil liberties straight people have. Until then, marriage will only be a ceremony.

I don't like to see the sympathy parade cause I'm not rejecting the fact that being not alone makes a person happy. And singledom is not really that bad at all, in fact I do enjoy it but people always get tired when things never change. Especially in the "scene," it never changes, the dancing, the sex, the immaturity and the illusion of being forever young. With all the hook ups, one night stands and short term relationships (or the failed long term relationships) that I had, I think I have had enough. Then again, please, I don't need sympathies, I need a slap of reality and a slap to shake off my boredom.

I'm feeling better now. I'm just gonna stare at those hot hunks at the beach knowing that I'll still be alone tomorrow. I'm just bored being single.

Single Gay guy, Asian top here. anybody?

Be out be back

I received an email from my lawyer saying that our paperwork is almost done and that I can go back home soon to my country. But he said I could go back and forth to the US as I wish. That E-mail cleared the dark cloudy skies surrounding my emotional atmosphere. Soon I will be free from my brother and all his bullshit. I'm counting the days... I can't wait.

But there is this part of me that doesn't want to go back home. I love the US "the idea" and "the place" as long as my brother is not around. I know it's easy to say "why don't I just leave" but being part of a traditional dynastic family, I am tied up to my family as long as I cannot form my own, which I will soon do (with a guy).  Anyway, what I love with the US especially with Denver (where my family's presence is not around) was the few number of visible Asians.  Don't get me wrong, I don't despise or discriminate against Asians. I'm Asian of course. And I love being Asian. It's just that I love it when I'm the only Asian around cause it makes me feel unique,scarce or exotic. So that's my personal reason.

Another reason for me not wanting to go home is that I don't want to go back to that homophobic medieval country. Not many people know that Asian countries discriminate more than the Western countries when it comes to homosexuality. I noticed that in the US people are already debating about equal civil rights to gay people, but in the Philippines, it's still not acceptable to be gay; well at least not outright but there is always this underlying discrimination to gay people where almost all people associate gay to being weak or being cowardly. No wonder, there are a lot of closet gays in my country. I don't have the statistics cause you really won't get a proper number of people who will admit they are gay, duh... But seeing that a lot of those gays who are "out" in my country are trannys I would guess I am right. A lot of gay people in the Philippines in fact already caved in to the discrimination against them to the point that they believe it and already hating themselves plus losing all the pride to be gay.

I will be going home, that's inevitable. But I will come back. And I will make sure that my time back home will be worth my while. I am planning to go "out" to family and I am planning to form or strengthen (if there's an existing) the gay community in the Philippines and take out the ignorance and increase awareness of people regarding homosexuality as well as to educate to homosexuals what it is to be out and gay through social networking and technological mediums.

That's it for now.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Low point.

I have finally stolen some time to jot down how I feel about these past couple of weeks.  I am now in California helping out with the busy season. The store here in Cali is doing well and we  live in a beach front apartment, but only one thing ruined this week for me; my brother. He has been treating me like shit these past couple of days to satisfy his "shortman's syndrome" urge to be f#@king insecure about everything I do.

He successfully transformed my heart and existence to dog shit. I have no pride and no confidence. Everything I do seems to be wrong. Though even without my brother, I think I would still feel shitty. I think I have been "out" in denver too long that this "straight" acting week for me has been really hard. Usually, I also look "straight" when I'm "out." but I think there's still a big difference. Out of the scene, gay friends, fag hags, the alcohol, the cruising the dancing; I miss all of those. 

But wait there's more bitching..... 

I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago before going to cali. In fact he's the reason why I was so insistent to leave Denver. My "X" stole half of my store's money in Denver. How can I be so stupid!? He and a couple of my so called "friends" were at it since the beginning. Steal from the rich stupid Asian. It's not really about the money, it is more of the betrayal. Let's not go into details cause every detail I remember is like a knife stabbing my face over and over again. To add to the fuckness of it all, the rental company finally caught up with the encounter I had with the light rail in Denver they are charging me $2,000 worth of damages, not to mention they sent the damage report to my parents.

In conclusion, I want to kill myself for being so stupid. In fact I did try to kill myself but it added more insult to injury by failing. Pills wont work. Now I know. I am at the lowest point of my life. Couldn't  be lower. If it wasn't for me faking sick and staying home alone and not going to SF for 2 days with my brother, I probably could have snapped and gone mad. 

I just want to vent and be alone and away from everything for now.. regain my existence.