Birthday week

You know that feeling you get the “day” after Christmas, New Year, Birthday or special occasions.  It’s like an empty hole in your body wanting to be filled-up with fun (or alcohol). I usually call it “back-to-reality” day. Yeah, I’m having a week of that right now plus a slight hint of memory loss. 

So, my birthday was on the 6th, but I had to make a hard decision whether to celebrate it on the 5th which is the 6th in Asia (my birth date) or just celebrate it on the date of my current location: Denver, Colorado. With the help of some friends, I decided to celebrate it on both dates plus ending up making it a whole week celebration. Last week was fun but I can only remember bits and pieces and the rest are stories from friends with their own “versions.” Since I cannot provide details of last week with accuracy, I rather not tell it at all. In fact, nobody wants to listen to “drunk stories.”  Right now, I'm in my best sober state with one week worth of unfinished paperwork; my brother’s yelling on my procrastination (but I’ll deal with that later). Life's slowly going back to reality. 

I’m now 23, I’m getting old. I’m still gay/ bi. The only thing that changed though is the setting; same main character different place and people around plus the bf. Living in Denver and being away from my family made my birthday week celebration so much liberating especially with my new gay friends around though my family thought I’m alone crying at the back of the store not celebrating my birthday, retards…. Last week was the “OUTest” I have ever been in my entire life and I LOVE IT. My bf made me a cake with a card saying “you’re not old baby, you’re just experienced. My lovely Asian tramp you.”

Sad part of my birthday week was that I wasn’t “out” with the rest of the people that I love, family and friends. But I guess that’s how my birthdays will be. Forgive me if this sounds like bragging but if I do go “out,” I’ll be cut me off from the family fortune which I can say is worth being in the closet for. Though with this android app that me and my friends are developing, once done, I’ll be very comfortable to tell my parents Im gay and not be afraid of being kicked out of the “family.” I know for sure life would be very much different if I’m out. One thing is I’ll know who my real friends are, and finally prove the term “I would totally be with you if I’m gay.” And since my parents are into arranged marriage, they’ll probably hook me up with another gay boy (that is if they accept me being gay).

Looking back on my 22’s, I can say I have done pretty well. Despite the lack of major achievements, I am still happy that I neglected myself from major failures. Though I feel I could have done more. While the “fun” gap is slowly closing itself and the memories of last week coming back, here I am in my store contemplating how I will play my 23. 

Mandatory disposition

Arrived in L.A. 2 days ago expecting a more sunny Cali but to my surprise, I saw snow. I would understand getting stuck forever in i-5 but snow in burbank?! Anyway, we're (me and my brother) here for official business and so is my dad who got here before us. Since my birthday's coming up and my dad would be leaving before that day, last night we decided to celebrate my birthday at Flemings in palm springs with some of my dad and brother's friends. Try their choco java cake. it's awesome.

I'm turning 23, can you believe it?! My dad's friend told me that people start aging faster by the age of 23 which made me disturbingly realize that mine started when I was 20. It seemed like I look a lot older now than when I was 20 based from the pictures. And I feel really old. I get tired very easily. I don't get horny very often (that's a serious problem). HIV or Aids would explain it but I'm DnD free. I just don't have the same vitality or virility like before. Every time I go to a club or bar, I would look at the young blood dancing like there's no tomorrow and get flashbacks of me during "the days" with all those random boys that I french kissed on the dance floor. My only consolation is that I still look like a minor especially here in the US though it got me arrested for being publicly intoxicated as a minor. I would think they only got me for the p.i. but who knows...

I know I'm too young to have a mid-life crisis so maybe this "funlessness" in my life came from the busy lifestyle I have been having, there's no fun around my family AND business (note the AND).What I am really scared of is becoming an "old queen." or in my definition: someone who's too old to still be fooling around. Maybe I should settle down and get myself an LTR... I don't know..

I should stop thinking about it cause my birthday's coming up. That's it. It's said and done. It's not like I'm turning 30 right? And besides, i can't do anything about it. Growing old is mandatory.

However, growing up is optional. I can always be the young gay boy trapped in an adult's body.

New closet, same Jack.

Woke-up one morning last week smelling like gay sex after a night of heavy partying and jail-time. Didn't know where I was, though my BF was beside me which made me felt safe. In the bathroom, I caught myself staring at the mirror trying hard to recognize who the gay twat in the reflection was. I guess a lot has changed.

For the past couple of months the closest I can get to blogging was my facebook status. I dropped all the drama back in Manila; and I'm now living a servantless, loserish lifestyle managing alone our new bookstore in Denver, Colorado. I finally bought that dog, a husky, though I left the little bugger back home. And of course, if you haven't noticed above, I have a new boyfriend (blonde, obviously my type). Yes, you heard that right.

Not everything changed. Still gay but my gay friends here in Denver call me a "heteroflexible"; still in the closet though I opened up a bit, still top, same friends with new ones; same annoying family; Same look and same size.It's still me but in a whole different plot, I said that like my life's a Tv-series; perhaps drama and sitcom combined.

So I guess things worked out pretty well so far eh?

"Jack is Back"

Straightening strengthening

Sorry guys, I have not been updating as planned. It's not that Jack has lost his luster, I hope you don't see it that way. Been very busy.

I have been dating recently trying to get back in the saddle. I already lost hope of a happily ever after between me and Nokia so I started dating again. Last weekend, I was in the mall checking out some boys at the Gap store when I saw my girl classmate back in high school. So we chatted a bit and in a spontaneous weird way, I lost control of my body and my body openly asked her out on a date. We dated yesterday.

Remember from the last paragraph I said "I started dating again"? Well, what I was really trying to say is that, "I started dating men again" So yesterday was quite different cause I haven't been dating a girl ever since a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. My skills in handling girls have gotten rusty. I took her to a posh steak house and I had steak and she had salmon and we drank wine. Seems like a romantic date? well not really cause that's the only thing that happened. We talked about high school and some stuffs but there were awkward silences between topics.  I discussed to her the beauty of the stock market and the business I'm in and cars that I like but she got bored and opened the topic about dresses and fashion. But she failed to impress me cause I know my brands (Well, what do you want my new D&G eye glasses to say to her puny liz claibornes ).
IN SHORT, the date was an epic fail!

It's just easier to date men. Maybe because I relate to men more than women cause I'm one of them ( men technically). Women for me are too complicated. After the date, thoughts were flying around my mind asking myself "are you sure you're still bi?" I can't deny that sex with men is much more fun than women but then again as I was cleaning the windshield of my car this morning and trying to remove the sticker mark (that thing that sticks and gets dirty when you rip a sticker) but can't, I realized that women are complicated but their complications are really worth the adventure. And the memories from those adventures sticks to you even how hard you try to remove it like the sticker mark..

I'm sleepy! good night.

vanitycessity

I looked in the mirror this morning and asked myself "Am  I vain?"

I have noticed that I have been staying longer in the bathroom than I usually do. This morning, it took me 2 hours in the bathroom which includes the 1hour and 30 minutes doing my thing in the shower. Immediately after brushing, I stick a whitening plastic thing on my teeth  for 30 minutes. Before removing that whitening stuff, I apply a tea tree facial wash, tea tree scrub and tea tree skin toner on my face. Then I apply a seaweed skin pore protector. Then the moisturizer just after removing the plastic thing from my teeth.

After all that, I looked in the mirror and asked myself that question above. When I was just about to leave the bathroom, I suddenly realized that I was forgetting something. SUN BLOCK. My SPF 75 sunblock answered my question. Am I vain? The extreme heat has made those vanity stuff a necessity. Believe me, think of the hottest place you could think of (but not hell) then think hotter. That's how hot Manila is right now. Even my dog, a Siberian husky is having a hard time. We even have to place him in an air conditioned room and have him drink Gatorade (orange flavor only) all the time to prevent him from fainting. Manila is sizzling!
And I'm hot.

I usually have a tanned skin tone but the heat has caused my skin to darken, and caused my face to become more oily and prone to being dirty. Before being that vain, my skin was sticky and unpretty. Now they have restored and maintain my skin in its prime state (rosy smooth and light.) It's not like I don't like having a dark skin complexion, but most of my clothes are best worn with my lightened skin state. But for the teeth whitening, well it's just maintenance. It's really not just about being good looking, it's about being comfortable with myself.

So am I vain? yes but being vain is a necessity.

a bottle of hypocrisy

Sorry guys, I have been trying to update for the past few days but I have been sidetracked by work and alcohol. The only thing I did with my laptop yesterday was to update my facebook status. Stress and alcohol are really creativity blockers. I'm turning back to the workaholic alcoholic bastard that I once was.

As I said, alcohol has been running around my veins for the past 6 days now. That goes without saying that I'm still a little boozy as I'm typing this now. I have been drinking "jack coke" (jack daniel's and coke. yum!) and vodka for the past couple of days now. Last night, I started to immerse myself (literally) to the world of wines. Last night I went out with my macho hot straight friends from my high school days. We went to this posh wine bar which I shelled out 500 bucks for my share in the wine bottle (My credit card company will be happy at the end of the month, but I won't). Like any typical hot macho straight guys, the topics were hot chicks and sex experiences. Everyone gave a story, but I wasn't behind. They look up to me like the master player but they don't know the girls in my stories are actually guys.Another topic of that evening was the controversial video of one of our guy friend kissing another guy. Apparently he was just dared to do that, but all of my friends including me condemned him.

I can say my friends are homophobes but after that drinking session, I felt I was the one with the issue.
I felt like a total hypocrite. My reaction after seeing the video of that friend who kissed another guy were so hypocrite. It's like every comment I gave was like a slap to my own face. I want to be totally out but I'm the one keeping myself locked up.

Tonight I chilled with Ro and went to an Italian bistro where we had a bottle of Italian wine. I felt so shitty before meeting up with him but when we met and talked and I told him about what happened last night, I felt relieved. Maybe it was the right decision to be partially "out" after all. At least I don't have to be a complete hypocrite.

Outish

Since I'm no longer bedridden, I went out the whole day yesterday to refill the nostalgia that bottomed out from weeks of staying at home bumming around. I went to the office to check out the boys (and the new cute engineer), then went to the mall to check out some more boys and went to Karaoke with Sands, Ro, Ritz, A.L., and C (all soon to be in my "who's who part of my blog) (The blue ones are male,the red obviously female)
We talked, had some drinks, and sang (terribly). I haven't found my "what a wonderful world" song. (I can sing it perfectly with the rough voice).
AND I told those guys I'm gay.
Was it Spontaneous? NO. Was there a reason? Well, not really, maybe it was the alcohol, or the stress but I'm pretty sure the blogs I read have influenced me someway somehow. Reading a lot of blogs for the past 2 weeks made me see how much I got lost of the "real life." I have realized that it really takes a real man to say that they are gay (I know that sounds confusing, I hope you guys get my point) The thought of "coming out" had been running around my mind for 2 weeks. Yesterday that thought reached the finished line.
Anyway, Sands and C. knew ever since. So I was just expecting the others to be surprise. I was expecting a jaw dropping eye popping cliché of a surprise from all of them but they all just said "ok"  Followed by the question "what type of gay are you?" Of course I said bi for convenience but I saw their eyes wanting more explanation.
The look in their eyes probably wanted a stereotypical answer. I got this from a blog I follow, (http://carwinscloset.blogspot.com). So here is my stereotypical and "opposed to the stereotypical" description of my gayness (It's easier to stereotype isn't it?):
1. I am a momma's boy
2. I think sports are boring
3. I am brand sensitive
4. I don't love to dance

5. Am very competent in handling machinery
6. I'm always clean
7. I have a trusty girl pal by my side (sands)
8. I don't have a limp wrist
9. I don't bend at my elbows a lot.
10. I'm not a drama queen.
11. I don't dress in drag (never)
12. I am into watersports.
13.  I don't have aids.
14 I won't die of aids
15. I didn't caused Aids
16. I don't deserve to have Aids
17. I don't think of sex 24/7
18. I can maintain a long term relationship
19. I have more sex than straight men.
20. I don't LOVE Madonna (and Judy Garland. Britney Spears is fairly popular too)
21 I'm not feminine and I don't want to be a woman.
22 I hang out with straight boys more than girls.
23.  I want kids
24. I don't always wear v-neck tight shirts. Nor do I love wearing skinny jeans
25 I don't style my hair a lot.
26. I have been involved with performing arts
27. I don't say “oh my god” and “like” all the time. I don't talk fast or say "girlfriend" or "sweetie" either.
28. I don't have any piercings
29. I'm not a child molester and I was not molested when I was a child.
30. I'm not attracted to every guy I see.
31. I don't think pink is my favorite color
32. I drink, swear and fuck like a straight man.
33. I don't have a high pitched voice.
34. And I don't listen to techno.
But don't get it wrong, I'm not completely out. I will soon find out if rumors are really fast. I gotta go to bed it's  5:30Am here.