Goodbye

I guess this is it. I am ending this blog.

Will this be the end of jack?

: As a blogger, no. As Jack (the fake name) yes.

Any particular reason?

: I guess I already found what I was looking for in this blog.

Does this mean I’m “out?”

: Uhm not fully but more "out" than before.

Closet closed

Singledom Boredom

Lately I have noticed that life has been pretty boring for me if not sad. For days I have been trying to figure out the main reason why I'm bored. least I know is that I have been feeling this way since I got here in Cali. I thought I was just been missing my friends back home or the scene in Denver until last night when my friend told me  that "I'm glad you're still enjoying your life being single." that is before she told me she's getting married. Bunch of dikes.

I have never been in a long term relationship since second year college, and I have been seeing all of my friends recently moving on having committed relationship of their own while I'm slowly being left behind stuck being the selfish club boy that I am. Before you start saying something, this is not a pity plea, so please let's not start a pity party cause that's the last thing I need right now. I would rather hear what my friend told me about enjoying my single life though I know she meant the opposite but at least she doesn't rub it in. I hate it when couples say the most stupid things to single people like they haven't been single themselves before. "you need someone jack. Well look at us. Don't we look happy?" For straights, yes. For gay couples, I don't know, gay couples won't have the same happiness heteros have because gay people don't have the same civil liberties straight people have. Until then, marriage will only be a ceremony.

I don't like to see the sympathy parade cause I'm not rejecting the fact that being not alone makes a person happy. And singledom is not really that bad at all, in fact I do enjoy it but people always get tired when things never change. Especially in the "scene," it never changes, the dancing, the sex, the immaturity and the illusion of being forever young. With all the hook ups, one night stands and short term relationships (or the failed long term relationships) that I had, I think I have had enough. Then again, please, I don't need sympathies, I need a slap of reality and a slap to shake off my boredom.

I'm feeling better now. I'm just gonna stare at those hot hunks at the beach knowing that I'll still be alone tomorrow. I'm just bored being single.

Single Gay guy, Asian top here. anybody?

Be out be back

I received an email from my lawyer saying that our paperwork is almost done and that I can go back home soon to my country. But he said I could go back and forth to the US as I wish. That E-mail cleared the dark cloudy skies surrounding my emotional atmosphere. Soon I will be free from my brother and all his bullshit. I'm counting the days... I can't wait.

But there is this part of me that doesn't want to go back home. I love the US "the idea" and "the place" as long as my brother is not around. I know it's easy to say "why don't I just leave" but being part of a traditional dynastic family, I am tied up to my family as long as I cannot form my own, which I will soon do (with a guy).  Anyway, what I love with the US especially with Denver (where my family's presence is not around) was the few number of visible Asians.  Don't get me wrong, I don't despise or discriminate against Asians. I'm Asian of course. And I love being Asian. It's just that I love it when I'm the only Asian around cause it makes me feel unique,scarce or exotic. So that's my personal reason.

Another reason for me not wanting to go home is that I don't want to go back to that homophobic medieval country. Not many people know that Asian countries discriminate more than the Western countries when it comes to homosexuality. I noticed that in the US people are already debating about equal civil rights to gay people, but in the Philippines, it's still not acceptable to be gay; well at least not outright but there is always this underlying discrimination to gay people where almost all people associate gay to being weak or being cowardly. No wonder, there are a lot of closet gays in my country. I don't have the statistics cause you really won't get a proper number of people who will admit they are gay, duh... But seeing that a lot of those gays who are "out" in my country are trannys I would guess I am right. A lot of gay people in the Philippines in fact already caved in to the discrimination against them to the point that they believe it and already hating themselves plus losing all the pride to be gay.

I will be going home, that's inevitable. But I will come back. And I will make sure that my time back home will be worth my while. I am planning to go "out" to family and I am planning to form or strengthen (if there's an existing) the gay community in the Philippines and take out the ignorance and increase awareness of people regarding homosexuality as well as to educate to homosexuals what it is to be out and gay through social networking and technological mediums.

That's it for now.

Low point.

I have finally stolen some time to jot down how I feel about these past couple of weeks.  I am now in California helping out with the busy season. The store here in Cali is doing well and we  live in a beach front apartment, but only one thing ruined this week for me; my brother. He has been treating me like shit these past couple of days to satisfy his "shortman's syndrome" urge to be f#@king insecure about everything I do.

He successfully transformed my heart and existence to dog shit. I have no pride and no confidence. Everything I do seems to be wrong. Though even without my brother, I think I would still feel shitty. I think I have been "out" in denver too long that this "straight" acting week for me has been really hard. Usually, I also look "straight" when I'm "out." but I think there's still a big difference. Out of the scene, gay friends, fag hags, the alcohol, the cruising the dancing; I miss all of those. 

But wait there's more bitching..... 

I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago before going to cali. In fact he's the reason why I was so insistent to leave Denver. My "X" stole half of my store's money in Denver. How can I be so stupid!? He and a couple of my so called "friends" were at it since the beginning. Steal from the rich stupid Asian. It's not really about the money, it is more of the betrayal. Let's not go into details cause every detail I remember is like a knife stabbing my face over and over again. To add to the fuckness of it all, the rental company finally caught up with the encounter I had with the light rail in Denver they are charging me $2,000 worth of damages, not to mention they sent the damage report to my parents.

In conclusion, I want to kill myself for being so stupid. In fact I did try to kill myself but it added more insult to injury by failing. Pills wont work. Now I know. I am at the lowest point of my life. Couldn't  be lower. If it wasn't for me faking sick and staying home alone and not going to SF for 2 days with my brother, I probably could have snapped and gone mad. 

I just want to vent and be alone and away from everything for now.. regain my existence. 

Birthday week

You know that feeling you get the “day” after Christmas, New Year, Birthday or special occasions.  It’s like an empty hole in your body wanting to be filled-up with fun (or alcohol). I usually call it “back-to-reality” day. Yeah, I’m having a week of that right now plus a slight hint of memory loss. 

So, my birthday was on the 6th, but I had to make a hard decision whether to celebrate it on the 5th which is the 6th in Asia (my birth date) or just celebrate it on the date of my current location: Denver, Colorado. With the help of some friends, I decided to celebrate it on both dates plus ending up making it a whole week celebration. Last week was fun but I can only remember bits and pieces and the rest are stories from friends with their own “versions.” Since I cannot provide details of last week with accuracy, I rather not tell it at all. In fact, nobody wants to listen to “drunk stories.”  Right now, I'm in my best sober state with one week worth of unfinished paperwork; my brother’s yelling on my procrastination (but I’ll deal with that later). Life's slowly going back to reality. 

I’m now 23, I’m getting old. I’m still gay/ bi. The only thing that changed though is the setting; same main character different place and people around plus the bf. Living in Denver and being away from my family made my birthday week celebration so much liberating especially with my new gay friends around though my family thought I’m alone crying at the back of the store not celebrating my birthday, retards…. Last week was the “OUTest” I have ever been in my entire life and I LOVE IT. My bf made me a cake with a card saying “you’re not old baby, you’re just experienced. My lovely Asian tramp you.”

Sad part of my birthday week was that I wasn’t “out” with the rest of the people that I love, family and friends. But I guess that’s how my birthdays will be. Forgive me if this sounds like bragging but if I do go “out,” I’ll be cut me off from the family fortune which I can say is worth being in the closet for. Though with this android app that me and my friends are developing, once done, I’ll be very comfortable to tell my parents Im gay and not be afraid of being kicked out of the “family.” I know for sure life would be very much different if I’m out. One thing is I’ll know who my real friends are, and finally prove the term “I would totally be with you if I’m gay.” And since my parents are into arranged marriage, they’ll probably hook me up with another gay boy (that is if they accept me being gay).

Looking back on my 22’s, I can say I have done pretty well. Despite the lack of major achievements, I am still happy that I neglected myself from major failures. Though I feel I could have done more. While the “fun” gap is slowly closing itself and the memories of last week coming back, here I am in my store contemplating how I will play my 23. 

Mandatory disposition

Arrived in L.A. 2 days ago expecting a more sunny Cali but to my surprise, I saw snow. I would understand getting stuck forever in i-5 but snow in burbank?! Anyway, we're (me and my brother) here for official business and so is my dad who got here before us. Since my birthday's coming up and my dad would be leaving before that day, last night we decided to celebrate my birthday at Flemings in palm springs with some of my dad and brother's friends. Try their choco java cake. it's awesome.

I'm turning 23, can you believe it?! My dad's friend told me that people start aging faster by the age of 23 which made me disturbingly realize that mine started when I was 20. It seemed like I look a lot older now than when I was 20 based from the pictures. And I feel really old. I get tired very easily. I don't get horny very often (that's a serious problem). HIV or Aids would explain it but I'm DnD free. I just don't have the same vitality or virility like before. Every time I go to a club or bar, I would look at the young blood dancing like there's no tomorrow and get flashbacks of me during "the days" with all those random boys that I french kissed on the dance floor. My only consolation is that I still look like a minor especially here in the US though it got me arrested for being publicly intoxicated as a minor. I would think they only got me for the p.i. but who knows...

I know I'm too young to have a mid-life crisis so maybe this "funlessness" in my life came from the busy lifestyle I have been having, there's no fun around my family AND business (note the AND).What I am really scared of is becoming an "old queen." or in my definition: someone who's too old to still be fooling around. Maybe I should settle down and get myself an LTR... I don't know..

I should stop thinking about it cause my birthday's coming up. That's it. It's said and done. It's not like I'm turning 30 right? And besides, i can't do anything about it. Growing old is mandatory.

However, growing up is optional. I can always be the young gay boy trapped in an adult's body.

New closet, same Jack.

Woke-up one morning last week smelling like gay sex after a night of heavy partying and jail-time. Didn't know where I was, though my BF was beside me which made me felt safe. In the bathroom, I caught myself staring at the mirror trying hard to recognize who the gay twat in the reflection was. I guess a lot has changed.

For the past couple of months the closest I can get to blogging was my facebook status. I dropped all the drama back in Manila; and I'm now living a servantless, loserish lifestyle managing alone our new bookstore in Denver, Colorado. I finally bought that dog, a husky, though I left the little bugger back home. And of course, if you haven't noticed above, I have a new boyfriend (blonde, obviously my type). Yes, you heard that right.

Not everything changed. Still gay but my gay friends here in Denver call me a "heteroflexible"; still in the closet though I opened up a bit, still top, same friends with new ones; same annoying family; Same look and same size.It's still me but in a whole different plot, I said that like my life's a Tv-series; perhaps drama and sitcom combined.

So I guess things worked out pretty well so far eh?

"Jack is Back"